Prologue
I thought I should provide a little background as to why I am writing the Christmas letter instead of Crystal this year. We had been talking about miscellaneous holiday crafts and I told the wife how much more creative I am than she is. Big mistake! All I got out of that conversation was that I “created” my way into writing this letter as punishment for my statement. I will try my best to make it a card you might actually like to read this season…
Chapter 1
So it is getting to be that time of year again when the “Jolly Fat Man” is going to be breaking and entering in millions of homes and more importantly when family, friends, and possibly even people you do not know will be sending you Christmas letters detailing all of the “exciting” things that have unfolded in their lives over the last year that you really don’t care about. Trips, careers, and stories about how their kids are better than everyone else’s are likely to be primary topics this year just as they are every other year. Being as how I cannot think of anything other than those topics to talk about, I thought the least I could do was to make it more interesting. So, I went with television show titles as the framework for my masterpiece.
The Parenthood – “Big D” is starting the terrible 2’s early. Pray for us!
Last Man Standing – Male/female ratio, including the dog, is 3-to-1. Maybe time to risk 4-to-1??? Hmm…
Big Brother – As of a few months ago, I now work for my brother. Trust me; he’s keeping a close eye on me.
The Voice – Delaney has quite the growing vocabulary. She still won’t say “please”, but she’s got “hot pink” down.
Law & Order – D spends a lot of time in “timeout” these days. She keeps getting “acquitted”.
Kitchen Nightmares – With my new job, Crystal now does most of the cooking. I’ll leave it at that…
Up All Night – These are very few and far between thankfully. We are getting too old to be up that late.
Hawaii Five-0 – No, we didn’t go to Hawaii—I wish, but we did go to Okoboji! That’s pretty tropical for us! Ha!
Bones – Delaney now knows how to “Throw the Bones” for the Husker defense. We couldn’t be more proud!
Monday Night Football – Forget the Huskers, my Chiefs are just plain bad. At least the Packers are rolling!
Dirty Jobs – We go through a lot of diapers…”poop” is another favorite in D’s vocabulary!
The Dog Whisperer– As long as there’s a pillow and a blanket for her, you’d never know Izzy was here.
House – We tiled the kitchen last spring, now when we drop things they break. Great improvement!
The Amazing Race – Crystal trained for and miraculously completed her first 5k in August.
Private Practice – 6 weeks later, she was in a walking boot due to a stress fracture because she runs funny. Ha!
The Good Wife – Crystal puts up with all of my shenanigans and she still loves me. But, why is she always tired?
Family Guy – I look forward to coming home everyday to see D! And the other two…I guess…sometimes…
Epilogue
I have to give the wife a little credit, she did contribute to this by being the ‘Editor in Chief’’. If there is anything in here that you do not like, just blame her for not taking it out. I think it turned out great. After racking my brain over creative ways to write this letter and thinking “outside the box”, I am finally finished. To sum it all up, I shall close with a statement made by Clark W. Griswold in the greatest Christmas movie ever made “…Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?”
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! (Play Ball!)
Love, Craig, Crystal, Izzy, & Delaney Mencke
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